I don’t know about the rest of you, but I am glad the holidays are behind us. Other than the fact I had 18 contiguous (and glorious) days off from my day job, the rest of the dearly departed season is a blur. I’ve done everything possible to help the economy and my credit cards can feel it.
No matter how I swear I’m just going to make stuff, or bake stuff, or even fake stuff (also known as re-gifting) as the clock ticks closer and closer to Christmas Eve, I just have to go shopping. Let’s face it, it’s hard not to get caught up in everyone else’s enthusiasm (make that wish list!)
I am an absentee grandma (you can easily substitute the word guilt-ridden for absentee) – which has its own set of dilemmas. Since I only get to see Jencie and Sean about four times a year I live in constant fear they will forget me. I should probably worry more about whether they even know me, since at their tender years trying to keep Grandma Dianne’s visage fresh in your mind would really be asking a lot. There are times when I look in the mirror and even I don’t recognize myself, but that’s a whole other story.
As a result of feeling guilty and wanting to be the best grandma ever, it is my job to search out any and everything little people will think is cool and then try my best to buy it. I suppose if I was more mature I’d realize that it isn’t all the stuff that means so much, but then I’d have to face the stark reality that the best gift I could have given them was time with me. For some reason that sounds pretty conceited, but I think you know what I mean!
Before I had grandkids, I was the kind of person who bought scads of holiday gifts and then failed to mail them until about March. I would play this off by making comments like it gives everyone something to look forward to or think how exciting it is to have Christmas twice a year! To this day my brothers and sisters are awestruck if I actually get something in their hands before December 26th – and don’t even ask them about when they get their birthday presents!
Let’s face it, regardless of your religious beliefs, the holidays are all about spending time with family, friends and loved ones. This past couple of years has made that even more difficult than usual for many of us. I don’t know about you, but I have several friends who have lost their jobs, and my oldest son graduated from Art Center School of Design a year ago and still can’t find work. So, I fully understand how a season where everyone is running around making merry can feel to some like overkill.
I recall when I was dealing with chemo and radiation for the second time in 2005 and how weepy the holiday season made me. I wanted to be merry and bright – and even though I was in California – I wanted my Christmas to be white. The problem was that I didn’t have hair, my skin was burned and I still thought everything tasted sort of like metal. I swore if I lived I would be sure to remember that time, and never fail to appreciate each and every moment, no matter how much eggnog or fruitcake was passed my direction.
Just like most of my New Year’s Resolutions, I seem to have failed to make sure I stay in the moment and truly appreciate the vast good fortune I’ve been given. Okay, I’ll lighten up on myself just a bit. I seem to still have moments where I forget, how’s that?
But when I do look back over the past several years, it generally isn’t the breast cancer, or the trials and tribulations I faced as a result, that I most often think about. It’s the love of family and friends who stayed the course and who appear to love me despite the fact I’m a flawed human being (or maybe it’s because I finally got their gifts to them on time – who knows?)
Regardless, this New Year’s Eve I took a moment to think about each and every one of them and I raised my glass and made a toast to just how marvelous it is to have them in my life and to be alive.
Here’s to a happy and healthy 2010, one and all!
Tags: TBCS
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